(Disclosure: I am not now, nor have I ever been, a
professional or expert at anything I am about to say, simply my personal
thoughts on a subject)
Has your husband every said something to you, nothing of any
consequence, but because of the way he
said it, you got upset? “You have a tone” you might say. I am pretty sure we
all do it. Husbands, however, are safe. You are stuck with them forever
regardless of what silly attitudes you might give them. Where I find the
struggles arise, are women and their female friendships amongst each other.
I know so many women, including myself, who have been hurt,
hurt someone else, or are just generally confused on the feelings of other
women. I have come to realize a lot of things, many through trial and error,
but this past year in my interpersonal communication class, we were taught that
everyone has their own personal frame of reference. Due to everyone’s unique
past and experiences, we each view things differently. For example, one person
might consider the word ‘angry’ as no big deal, a daily word to express
emotion. Another person, however, who was raised drastically different, might
view the word ‘angry’ as very serious, the kind of word that is used when a
friendship is on the rocks. The same word, yet with completely different meanings
to each person. This can happen with so many things. We each have our own
meanings for words, our own meanings for tones, and even for behaviors. I
remember as a child my dad use to always tell cashiers that he was going to go
home and beat us kids, then laugh. Well for some reason “beating” meant going
home to play the tickle game. Basically the goal was to try and jump past my
dad, and if you were caught, you got tickled. If you made it past, you danced
in triumph! For years the term ‘beating’ was nothing major. To most other
families, however, it could have meant something completely different and more
severe.
What does this mean when it comes to our female friendships?
I think it means we often think the worse when we really don’t need to. We all have
our own pasts and histories that are just never brought into account, causing
so much miscommunication. For example, in my life I have been through some
extremely trying situations with my kids. As a foster parent and adoptive parent,
safety as a family is much different than those with biological kids, everyone
seems to have an opinion and several situations have put us in scary positions.
Because of this past, something not everyone knows about, I react EXTREMELY sensitive
to comments about my parenting, about our kids, or about our family. One wrong
comment could cause me to close up and retreat back into a safety bubble. Not
because I am mad at anyone or do not like them, but more of a protection
mechanism. I was hurt badly and don’t want to hurt again.
Another common one for a lot of people is shyness. Many
people automatically assume people are being rude or snobby because of lack of
social interaction, when more often than not, that person is just shy! It does
not necessarily reflect their personal opinions of any women involved in the current
social situation! Another one I personally struggle with, all the time (and
continually try to work on) is my confidence in friendships. Growing up we
moved every year and a half, so all my relationships were short and did not go
through the usual ups and downs that long term friendships went through. It
messed me up pretty bad. Because of that, I now associate all the wrong things
together. Not because I am crazy (at least I don’t think so), but because of my
experiences. Now, if I ever think someone is mad at me, I automatically think
they must not like me. If women in my social circles don’t invite me to things
I assume they must hate me as a person. I am aware of this and try to consciously
work through these feelings. How many other people are operating on similar
frame of reference issues? How many people have I offended saying they look so
big in their third trimester of pregnancy, because to me big means far along
and a baby growing, but to them, big might mean fat? We automatically assume
the meaning behind everything based on our own thoughts, and completely miss
what is happening from the person sending the message in the first place. The
result is a lot of drama between women.
At the end of the day though, especially in our Christian
circles, I don’t think the majority of women are out there to intentionally
hurt other women. I don’t believe we are all trying to hint at hidden meanings,
or imply some downfall to each other’s way of doing things. Yes, these things
do happen, but I don’t think it should be where we all go first when reacting
to someone’s response or comments in life. We are all sisters in the Lord, and
should be there for each other, not against each other, and I think we actually
are more than any of us even realizes. Next time someone says or does something
that hurts you, take a moment, and try to think of their real intentions or
motives, and what hidden driving forces might be behind it all. These are just
my personal, random thoughts, by someone who struggles A LOT with
misconceptions. Just sharing my thoughts J
